Holiday Eating Tips - You're Welcome!

My friend Holli passed on some holiday-eating tips, for which I thanked her from the big-BOTTOM of my cholesterol-coated heart.

Now sharing with you:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry. January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WHEEEEE, what a ride!"

Christmas Par-tays!

Who knew a Christmas party (or 3 of them in one week) would unleash the Christmas spirit in my lately-cranky-heart?

Wednesday: Home-Ward RS Christmas Open House. Between 30-40 lovely ladies from the neighborhood stopped by for a Christmas cookie exchange, carols and conversation. Since I’ve abandoned the home ward, I suspect the open-house was an attempt at re-activation. Still it warmed my heart to see so many friends

Thursday: Like we don’t see enough of each other, we had a Ladies-Only Christmas Party for the chicas at work. Even though my son Jared refused to provide the entertainment with his award-winning-booty-clap, we still had fun.

Saturday: This par-tay gets a shout-out on the blog...WITH pics. The weather outside was frightful, so a drive through Provo Canyon to Midway was out of the question. Plan B was triggered 2 hours before party-time, and we rocked the house with 80 of our BYU kids. (Not literally – I don’t want to get anyone’s ecclestiastical endorsement pulled for HECKsake.)

Before I knew about Plan B, me and my girls (Heather, Jen and Rach) dipped and wrapped over 200 candied apples on Saturday morning to give to our BYU kids and neighbors. I felt like a domestic goddess! We have a new in-house, sit-down dinner record ...count 'em - 75! (Parker, please chew with your mouth closed.)
I wonder...is Brent dressed-up as "Tiny Tim" or just Brent? This was no ordinary party, but these are extraordinary 20-somethings. The kids auctioned off and bid on each other's services, with donated canned goods. They collected over 500 pounds of food for the Utah Food Bank!...and they made a dozen blankets for the Pioneer Park Homeless Shelter...ya gotta love 'em! "Heather R - Activity Committee Queen" - We will never let her move out of the ward! "Last Men Standing" - Thanks Devin, Zach and Matt for helping the Bishop move my furniture back in the house! No more parties until I do some Christmas shopping!

Is it Burnout?

A few nights ago, I arrived home from work about 11. I went straight to my room, changed into my jammies, washed my face, brushed my teeth and kissed my hubby goodnight (I think I did...at least I hope I did). As I climbed into bed, I noticed something stuck to my pillow.

On closer inspection, here’s what I found:

A post-it-love-note from my son Josh and his girlfriend (slash) might-as-well-be-fiance Rach. A pinprick-size thought pierced through to my conscience: "There is supposed to more to LIFE than work, and PEOPLE who are supposed to be more important than Partners and clients." Does anyone recognize the symptoms? Stay tuned...more revelations to follow.

Is This Too Revealing? (A Parable)

I just need to vent about IT. Now that I’m actually channeling the frustration into writing about IT, my emotions appear to have escalated to unreasonable levels. The incredibly long hours I’ve been logging at work have coincided with my being required to spend more time with IT, and my frustration has evolved into what is likely a demented resentment for those responsible. For example, the extra time with IT has resulted in this crazy notion that the very purpose of IT’s existence is to inflict unnecessary pain, to establish unreasonably confining boundaries, and ultimately to crush my independent spirit...crazy right? That particular thought process however is just one of the many signs of my over-worked and under-rested mind, because the IT to which I refer is my bra!!

That’s right - call it what you want ladies - "brassiere", "bra", "breast-supporter", or a personal favorite from my granddaughter, "booby-belt". Doesn’t matter what label you may use because for me, it’s nothing more than an instrument of torture. Now this may have something to do with my current one being a fairly new acquisition so I’ve tried to give it some time, but this scratchy, inhibiting, beastly under-garment is so binding and constrictive that I just knew a woman (who would of course be wearing one all day) could never have been its creator or founder. So began my research...

In my sort-of-genealogy study, I discovered ancestors of the booby-belt dating back to 2500 BC, which were worn by Minoan women to "lift and expose". My studies also uncovered that ancient Greek and Roman women, in order to minimize their size, would strap bands over their busts to "rein them in" (a direct quote). Do you think any of them (Minoan, Greek or Roman) did this all by themselves, or were they compelled?

There you have it; those ancient-time-girlfriends who betrayed us by originating the practice of mammary-gland bondage!!

Alas for now, I have reconciled myself to cultural submission because when I compare myself to those who surround me, I seem to be alone in my overwhelming feelings of stifling restraint. But I know in my heart of hearts there simply MUST be an option more "fitting" my individuality, so in the meantime I am pro-actively exploring alternatives that will "set mine free" and allow this caged-bird to fly again! (Whew...it feels good to get that off my chest!)

It's Why I Haven't Updated

For three months of the year, my work-life consumes me to a point where I forget there’s a whole world out there, where people move, walk and even dance. If I wasn’t required to stand-up to pull a document off the printer on occasion, I’m quite sure my butt would spread and fold itself around the chair in my office. My “treat” (but only if I’m making really good progress) is a trip to the potty, which requires a few stairs (12 down and 12 up) and this time of year qualifies as a workout! Other than that, I move from my office-chair, to the seat in my car, to a chair in a client-conference-room, back to the seat of my car, and on to the next chair in another client-conference-room, or back to home-base (my office-chair). Then, at the end of the day, somewhere between 8:00pm and 11:00pm, depending on the day, I pull myself up out of my office-chair, drag myself into the seat of my car, drive home and fall into bed. Since my body is technically stretched out when I’m in bed, I count this as a work-out as well. Here is what makes it worthwhile;

1) I like what I do and I’m good at it (just ask me);
2) I’ve worked with most of my clients for 10 or more years, and they have become my friends;
3) I’m having a wild, passionate affair with the hottest guy in the office, who also happens to be my husband Kirk.

Remember though, we DID take four days off, right smack dab in the middle of insanity-season, to pick up our son Josh from his LDS mission in Mississippi. Awards are designated for the following trip categories:

• "Most Memorable” Award: Goes to hugging our son for the first time in two years.
• “Warm-Fuzzy” Award: Goes to all the incredible people we met.
• “Gut-Check” Award: Goes out to all the deep-fried southern food we ate.
• “Triple-Gut-Check” Award: Goes to Sam from Slidell, for cooking and feeding us deep-fried Oreos; that's a true story!
• "Tear-Jerker” Award: Goes to our children, granddaughters and Rachel who met us at the airport when we landed.

Trip Pics:

Seeing our boy after two years; with Josh in the mission home

With the Office Elders at Gloria's Kitchen in Jackson, MS With the Smith, Tjulanders, Gardner Families and Bishop Dome in Slidell, LAWith Ike (far left) and Robert & Mike at their home in Slidell, LA. Mark has a baptism date on November 11th!
Josh and Robert (Mark's son) who by the way, has some mad guitar skills!Just trying to stay awake - Josh had us on a missionary-schedule!
Josh and his companion, Elder Timms tracted into Sam, Danielle and their 3 little girls. Josh asked for 5 minutes of their time, and two hours later they were fast-friends. We hung out with Sam and Danielle in New Orleans; it was just like hangin' with our big kids! we love these two. Sam will forever remain in our hearts for introducing us to deep-fried Oreos...mmm, mmm, good!
Beignets and chocolate milk at the Cafe-du-Monde in the French Quarter
Brother Estrada in Biloxi, MS

Biloxi is still rebuilding, two years post-Katrina
With Sister Hitt in Clinton, MS (she fed my boy!)

Warren and Connie could be our BFF's. Connie was baptised last January. When Warren gets baptized, I predict he will be a patriarch!
With President and Sister James - Branch President of the inner-city Jackson Branch. With their son, Terrence. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this beat-boxin' stud will be playing football for the Y next year! the Cougars need you Terrence!Watching the airport-escalators for Joshie!

Here he comes!

"My, how Maddie and Sophie have grown!"

"She waited for two whole years - now what?" (stay-tuned)

" Heather's pregnant, and Jared's gonna be a dad?"

"Jen and Tony are pregnant too?!!!" (stay tuned) Sophie missed her grandpa!

Always an adventure, we got a flat on the way home from the airport, and of course Jared is SUCH a big helper!

Kirk had us back on the road in under 10 minutes!

It's good to have our boy home! He's reporting in our home ward this Sunday, 11/9 at 1:00pm. We just learned that Josh's friend Brook from Shreveport will be flying in to play a harp solo - so cool! Brook is a convert to the church, whose paying-job (still) is playing the organ for the Baptists! I love it!! I'll post again next time I make it out of my chair!